Almost Got 'Im
by Dobby's Socks
Summary: A collection of the Doctor's enemies throughout time and space gather to brag about their best attempts on his life. Based on the Batman: the Animated Series episode of the same name, rated for alcohol, innuendo, and mentions of violence, unabashedly Doctor/River, features also One, Three, Ten, the Paternoster Gang, Satan, and many more! Very AU


**Ok, so this was an incredibly random spontaneous idea spawned by a conversation I had with Kermit's Rainbow Connection, an avid Batman: the Animated Series fan. A large amount, truly most of the credit goes to her for this oneshot, so I hope it lives up to expectations. Also, realize that this is a mostly silly AU as the situation would never, ever happen, so I'm going to have to ask for some suspension of disbelief. Enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Almost Got 'im**

It was a quiet night in Dorium Maldovar's bar, and in a slightly shaded corner sat five individuals at a round table sipping drinks and playing some futuristic sophisticated game of cards. It was an odd assortment of people, truly, and that was using the term lightly.

Dealing the cards was an older gentleman dressed in almost all black. His facial hair was neatly trimmed and touched with just a hint of gray, and he somehow managed to shuffle while still wearing gloves.

To his right was a severe-looking woman also in all black, with dark, curly hair pulled up high on her head and a jeweled eye patch. She sat with her back ramrod straight and observed the other occupants of the room coldly.

On her other side was a young, blonde man, dressed rather casually compared to the others. What made him at all remarkable was the strange, black writing that covered whatever skin could be seen, and his flashing red eyes.

Next to him was what at first glance anyone would call a monk. The man's hair was cut in the style indicating such a lifestyle and he wore the heavy, brown robes with apparent familiarity. That he was in a 51st century bar, however, did not seem to faze him.

The final occupant of the table was a Sontaran warrior in full battle gear. He sneered at the other life forms around him and was the only one without a drink before him. The cards were clutched in his large hands and his eyes darted down to them constantly, obviously strategizing. His back was to the corner.

"Well then, gentlemen, Madame," the first man said in a cultured voice. There was a smile on his face, but it hardly seemed warm. "Shall we begin?"

"I don't see the point of this game," the young, blonde man growled in a voice that did not suit him at all, far too deep and chilling. "There's no real challenge, and it proves nothing of our worth. I don't need cards to destroy any of you."

The atmosphere tensed, but did not stay quiet for long. The Sontaran, of course, was the one to answer the challenge. "Is that so? Very well then, I will gladly meet you in combat."

"Please, please," the supposed holy man interceded. He appeared rather nervous and his eyes darted between the warrior and the humanoid. "There's no need for any of that. What's the point of fighting amongst ourselves? We're all here for the same reason; to forget that we've _all_ been beaten, and quietly soundly, by the same man."

As one, they spoke: "The Doctor."

The woman took a sip of her drink, then solemnly declared, "A momentary setback. After all, he has only managed to escape by the skin of his teeth each time. I am confident my plan will succeed, and Silence will fall."

The bearded man chuckled. "Well, my dear, I am happy for you, but I must say that such confidence may in fact be your downfall. After all, the Doctor is always ready with an escape, even against me, his best enemy."

"His best enemy? _I_ was the first Time Lord he ever went up against," the Monk reminded with a laugh, for that was his name, the Meddling Monk.

"Yet you definitely weren't the last," the red-eyed man pointed out with just the hint of a smirk. "And a Time Lord is far less dangerous than me."

"But you are only one," the Sontaran interjected, "whereas I am part of a proud, warrior race that has been fighting the Doctor for centuries. We have nearly ended his life countless times, along with his various companions."

"And failed every time," the woman reentered the conversation again, sounding slightly mocking. "You've never even come close."

"And you have?" The Monk huffed. "You certainly took your time trying."

"Everyone—please," the other Time Lord, the Master, raised his hands before a true shouting match could break out. "If we are comparing, perhaps it would be best if we share our nearest victories? Then we may decide who has come the closest to killing the Doctor."

The others all seemed to consider this, before nodding or giving various forms of consent. "I'll go first, then, shall I?" The Monk suggested, "Since I _was_ the first."

"Get on with it," the red-eyed man glowered at him, and the fake friar jumped a little in his seat.

"Very well. As you may know, my grievances started with the Doctor when I met him in 1066 before the Battle of Hastings. We'd disagreed, you see, on the outcome, and he managed to turn the tables on me. As an added insult, he stole a circuit from my TARDIS to make the inside dimensions proportional to the outside." Only his fellow Time Lord winced in vague sympathy. "But I managed to work around it, and decided it was high time that justice was done…"

OoO

The Doctor emerged from the TARDIS on the cooling planet with Steven and Sara Kingdom, a rather new addition to the ship. Though the planet itself was fascinating, what he really had to do was figure out who was following them through time and space. He dearly hoped it wasn't the Daleks!

But his sneaking suspicion as to who it truly was turned out to be correct, as none other than that blasted Meddling Monk appeared, holding a rock as if to fend them off. How ridiculous! "Ah, tut, tut, tut, my dear Monk. Now don't be so ridiculous. Put that down at once."

"Well, hello Doctor. Keeping well?"

They carried on the pleasantries for a little longer, each sounding rather smug—though the Doctor felt he certainly had more reason to—until at last he finally got around to the matter at hand. After all, the Monk had mentioned revenge. "Tell me, any plans?"

The other Time Lord seemed almost gleeful as he announced, "And all carried out as well. Oh, ho. Doctor, you remember you left me in 1066? Now I've marooned you on the planet Tigus. Look! Oh, it's funny this. Forgive me laughing, Doctor, but I don't seem to be able to control it. Well, goodbye, Doctor. Perhaps I'll come back one day and rescue you."

Steven called after him, but the Monk disappeared presumably into his own TARDIS, leaving them to discover what he had done to the blue police box.

OoO

"Well?" Madame Kovarian finally asked with an arched brow. "What _did_ you do?"

The Monk chortled as he answered, "I reset the lock mechanism. It would have left him locked out of his own TARDIS on the planet Tigus!"

"Would have?" The Master echoed, picking up on those words.

The Monk lost some of his humor. "Oh, well, he was able to pass the rays of Tigus' sun through a ring he wore and into the keyhole, and it fixed my interference. Tigus' sun has unique properties, you know. Then he was off, tampering with those Daleks."

"That's it?" The ink-covered man asked bluntly. He scoffed, "Pathetic."

"Why didn't you just shoot him?" The Sontaran questioned in obvious confusion.

"Shoot him?" The Monk spluttered. "It was about revenge and just deserts. No reason to get my own hands dirty."

Collectively, the group rolled their eyes.

"If we want to talk about being trapped, then how about me?" The red-eyed man gestured to himself, seemingly deciding to take up his own tale. "Humanity trapped me for eons in an attempt to wipe me from existence. The foolish mortals thought they could eliminate me, but—"

"You are not the Devil," Madame Kovarian interrupted brusquely.

"Excuse me?"

"You aren't. Remember, I'm part of a religious order. Nowhere is there any proof that you—"

"I am the embodiment of all that is evil!" He declared in a rumbling voice.

"Aren't we all?" The Master raised his glass in something like a toast before taking a drink. "But please, tell us, how did you almost destroy the Doctor?"

The young-looking man smirked. "I gave him a choice…"

OoO

The Doctor stood before the enormous, fiery beast in the cave, the rock raised to smash the vase and bring about the creature's destruction. His own destruction…Rose's destruction.

The rock came down for a moment.

"But then you're clever enough to use this whole system against me. If I destroy this planet, I destroy the gravity field. The rocket. The rocket loses protection and falls into the black hole. I have to sacrifice Rose." The conflict was clear in his eyes.

He'd guessed, already, that something was still wrong, that this was only the physical beast, and the mind behind everything that had happened to them here was somewhere else entirely. He couldn't know of course that the mind was in fact escaping in the same ship as his precious companion.

Or would have been escaping, had the Doctor not raised the rock once more, pitting his faith against the beast's.

OoO

"Well, making him do it himself, there is a certain artistry to that," the Master acknowledged with a nod.

"He still defeated you," the Monk observed petulantly, causing the current story-teller to scowl briefly.

"But it was a lose-lose situation, that was the point."

"And yet he didn't lose," interjected Madame Kovarian.

The red-eyed man scowled. "How was I to know that his ship had fallen into the very mineshaft he was trapped in?"

"Ah, but there was your folly—not knowing your enemy as well as you should," the Master stated smoothly. "The Doctor always keeps his TARDIS close, or rather that thrice-damned bucket keeps itself close to him. He's always using it to escape in at the last moment."

Madame Kovarian smirked briefly at him. "I think we're all sensing a story there."

"Yes, tell us of your greatest triumph in the field of battle," the Sontaran gave the closest thing to encouragement.

"If you insist," the Master folded his gloved hands on the table. "He and his companion Miss Grant were attempting to escape from the Ogrons the Daleks had kindly lent me, but for once he was not fast enough…"

OoO

The Doctor and Jo made for the TARDIS, more than glad to be leaving this mess behind. But, unfortunately, a familiar face popped back up again just in time to stop them.

"Going somewhere, Doctor?"

"You know, you really are incredibly persistent, aren't you?" The Doctor huffed in annoyance at his old friend.

The Master, however, did not rise to the bait, instead gesturing to the device still held in his hand. "That is my property, I believe."

The Doctor hid his smirk. "Oh yes, yes, a most ingenious device. I must congratulate you." Which was why he was going to use it. Switching it on, the Ogrons were immediately terrified into scattering. Unluckily, one of them knocked into the Master, whose gun fired and grazed the Doctor in the head. He dropped like a stone.

As Jo fell to her knees in horror to see to him, the Master was swept away in the panicked tide of Ogrons. He soon could not see the pair, but knew in his hearts that the cosmic game between him and his rival was not over yet.

OoO

"I commend you for at least hitting your target," the Sontaran decided. The others nodded in agreement of that, but it was clear criticisms were to come.

"Why did you leave right after? You should have at least checked the wound was fatal," the Monk reasoned.

The Master frowned. "I hardly wished to put myself in the Dalek's eyestalk sights. I'm shrewd enough to know that they wouldn't have hesitated to 'exterminate' me had they decided I was no longer useful."

The red-eyed man at their table gave a brief, deep chuckle. "So much for a partnership with them." The bearded Time Lord bristled, but had no time to reply for the Sontaran chose that moment to speak.

"Yes, leaving in the middle of a battle is dishonorable conduct. Certainly no Sontaran warrior would ever do such a thing."

"And what of your battle with the Doctor?" Madame Kovarian asked the shorter alien. "What near-victory do you have to report?"

The Sontaran drew himself up in the chair importantly. "Well, there we were, faced off against each other, the Doctor with nothing but his ridiculous piece of sonic technology. And so—I fired my swagger stick at him!" He looked around the assembled people eagerly for their reactions. They all stared, and the table was completely silent for at least a full minute.

"I still maintain that the shot would have done its job, if not for his TARDIS and Miss Grant's interference," the Master finally stated, as everyone seemed to nonverbally agree to ignore the last declaration.

"Yes, his companions can be a nuisance—or a weakness to exploit. That was what nearly brought about his downfall at the hands of the Silence."

"Oh? How so?" The Monk inquired.

Madame Kovarian smirked. "It was the daughter of his companions that we molded into our weapon to defeat him, and when she finally came into contact with him, they ended up in Berlin, 1939…"

OoO

The Doctor was lying back against the steps—ordinarily an extremely uncomfortable position, but he was a bit too close to dead to really put up much of a fuss. The important thing was that Amy and Rory were safe from the _Teselecta_, even if they were now stubbornly arguing with him not to die.

And River? Well, she wasn't really River, was she? She was Mels with River's face, and she was clearly lost and oh so scared. He had to help her become the woman she would be, who would fight aliens and discover new archeological sites and make him feel—

Ok then. He didn't have a secret word or a name to tell her to make her realize how important this was, how important _them_ was. But he could try.

"Ponds, listen to me. I need to talk to your daughter." Perhaps it was death that was dulling the usual panic and outright fear whenever he even contemplated things like this, but suddenly he'd never felt more like he'd needed to tell someone something in his life.

The married pair sadly moved away and the other woman—his killer, his bespoke psychopath, and perhaps, in some other timeline or impossibly still somehow something more—knelt before him. She waited for him to speak first.

"Find her. Find River Song and tell her something from me." It was crucial he stress this to Mels, that yes this message was meant for her, but only if she strove to be something more than she already was. Something amazing.

"Tell her what?" Seeming to recognize that his voice was failing him, she leaned in close, her familiar-scented curls brushing his face and her ear almost pressed to his lips. The Doctor parted those lips and spoke—

OoO

The males at the table collectively groaned. "That sly, cheating fox!" The Monk practically cursed.

"Perhaps in molding your weapon your religious order should have emphasized celibacy," the red-eyed man remarked with a smirk.

"I don't see why I should take pointers from a creature that's supposed to have been sucked into a black hole and shouldn't exist," Madame Kovarian hissed.

"I'm the Devil. If evil exists, then so do I," he grumbled back as if tired of explaining. She merely scoffed in reply.

"Always the human girls," the Master mused to himself, clearly choosing not to take part in the spat between the other two.

"She was partially one of your race," the only woman at the table pointed out with an arched brow.

"Well don't go blaming us for all that- that _sentiment_," the Monk rose to the defense of the Time Lords. "We're not all like the Doctor!"

"So it was the human in her that caused it to fail," the Sontaran stated. "Perhaps you should have considered utilizing a Time Lord/Sontaran hybrid instead." When he was once again met with blank, vaguely horrified stares, the warrior asked, "What?"

"Setting aside the fact that Sontarans are a clone-race," the Master began with more than a little irritation, but Madame Kovarian raised a hand.

"Don't even bother. It hardly matters what we should or shouldn't have used. What's done is done—and as usual the Silence will merely use it to our advantage." The others all looked at her with interest, and once she was sure she had their full attention, she continued, "It is obvious that, whatever the case, the Doctor is fond of the daughter of his companions. So, if we cannot bring _him_ down, we will do so through _her_."

"I take it you've some plan involving the hybrid," the Master guessed, a hint of a smirk on his face at the thought.

"It's already started. And it will be too late once the Doctor discovers what has become of her. My followers have her at our old base on Kabanor Five as we speak."

"Is it wise conduct not to observe the proceedings yourself?" The Sontaran questioned. "After all, the one with the big head is a formidable enemy. Or was it hair…?"

The whole table went still. "When did I describe her hair?" Madame Kovarian asked in an almost deadly voice. In a flash, she and the other three humanoids were standing with various weapons pointed at the Sontaran.

Instead of displaying fear, however, the Sontaran leapt to his own feet with a grin. "Three against one, I see? A glorious battle!"

"That's quite enough, Strax!" Another voice broke in, and the other four whirled to face the newcomer. It was another young-looking man, with brown hair that flopped to one side just over his eyebrow. He wore a tweed jacket and dark trousers, with a bowtie at his neck and a Stetson tipped to shade his eyes.

"Doctor!" Came the various exclamations.

"Evening, all," the so-named time-traveler touched two fingers to the brim of his hat briefly in greeting. "How's your TARDIS lately, Monk? I just had a peek inside and I must say, your taste in decorating hasn't improved." The other Time Lord winced at the implication that his enemy had once more been inside his ship tampering with who-knew-what. But the other male continued, "Master, enjoying the use of your dematerialization circuit?"

"Certainly, Doctor," he returned smoothly with a smug smile. "And I'm sure you found my TARDIS locked."

There was only the hint of a scowl on the Doctor's face as he instead addressed the ink-covered male. "And Satan, how's Hell?"

"At least _he_ agrees I'm the Devil," he gave the others a pointed glare.

"Ah, well, no actually, it just sounds more impressive to tell people 'I beat Satan' rather than 'I beat Toby'." The possessed Toby scowled, but said nothing. "Sorry to have interrupted your evening—not to mention infiltrating it."

"But wait!" The Monk realized, looking back once to the Sontaran who seemed slightly put out that they seemed to be talking instead of fighting at the moment. "You said Strax—I thought we invited General Stahl."

"You did, but none of you checked that the right Sontaran had actually joined you." The Doctor clearly smirked at their oversight, adding, "It just so happens that Strax is a friend of mine, and I figured you'd let something slip, Kovarian. I know you've been up to something."

"She's having the big-headed one held in an abandoned base on Kabanor Five," Strax dutifully supplied.

"Good work, Strax," the Doctor praised, "seems I've got to dash. I'll leave you to do the cleanup."

An almost feral grin lit up the Sontaran's face. "Thank you, sir."

"Right then, you lot, cheerio." And before the Doctor's various stunned enemies could make a move, he ran from the bar and moments later dematerialized judging by the wheezing of the Type 40 TARDIS. Finally, the four turned to face Strax, who had already readied his swagger stick.

"You're really going to take on all of us at once?" Madame Kovarian demanded imperiously. She started to smirk.

"Course not!" A London-accented voice cut through the bar, and once more they turned instead the see a woman in a tight black combat outfit accompanied by a Silurian in Victorian dress with a sword already drawn from the scabbard.

"After all," Madame Vastra added to her wife Jenny's answer, "someone has to make sure Strax shows a little restraint."

OoO

The Doctor sonicked the lock open on a side door to the base, doing his best to shield the green light. Nothing he could do about the sound, though. It _was_ sonic. No sooner had he crept into the dark, cavernous place, however, than did something cuff him on the back of the head, knocking his hat to the floor.

He did not give a squeak in surprise. He did not. He did, however, jump in an almost one-eighty degree turn, with flailing arms, to face his attacker. "Riv—"

She placed a finger to his lips, effectively silencing him. "And what sort of time do you call this, Sweetie?" She asked in a voice slightly above a whisper; they both knew it carried less than a real whisper. "Did you really expect me to sit around all night until you showed up? But the sooner we're out of here, the better." She held up her arm to forestall any retorts on his part, and his eyes widened to see a number of black tick marks.

"Right then, as you say, River Song." He grabbed her hand and they ran for it, not bothering with any plans or clever plots to stop the monsters this time. They were after her, and by extension him, so by removing both factors from the situation, they'd effectively won.

Neither relaxed until the TARDIS was spinning off through the Vortex, and then it was to only share shaky smiles. But River then ducked her head, causing him to frown slightly. Making his mind up, the Doctor took her hand again and personally lead her to a bathroom, where he had her sit up on the sink. Wetting a washcloth with soap and water, he turned her arm over and began gently rubbing at the black marks, more than happy to see them start to fade from her otherwise flawless skin.

"I'm more than capable of doing that myself, Doctor," she pointed out with a bemused smile.

"I know you are, I know. Just like you're capable of rescuing yourself from those monsters that ruined your childhood, and almost destroyed your life. I'm sorry, River." He couldn't quite meet her eyes, at least not until she placed her fingers under his chin and made him.

"Well, I hadn't quite thought out how I was getting off that planet until you showed up, and they'd taken my psychic paper off me. So you must have figured out where I was somehow." He felt like she was throwing him some sort of line to make himself feel useful, but she did at least seem interested.

"Oh, well, I'd heard rumors Kovarian was up to something again. So I tracked her down and sort of…deployed Strax as a spy. It, er, actually sort of worked to my surprise." He scratched at his cheek briefly, and tried not to flush too red when she tipped her head back and laughed.

"You organized a sting just for me? Oh, Sweetie." With a soft smile, she plucked the washcloth from his fingers—and he realized to his increasing embarrassment that the tick marks were now long washed away. She took pity and didn't comment, simply hanging the washcloth up to dry as she asked, "What else did you find out?"

"Oh, not much," he admitted with a shrug. "Seems they were sort bragging to each other, telling stories, seeing who was the best." He half-turned from her to dry his hands on a towel, regretfully letting go of her arm.

"The best at what?"

"Killing me," he stated it lightly, but glanced her way to see her momentarily shocked expression. Her features smoothed over soon enough, however, obviously coming to the conclusion that it was not so surprising after all. "It was sort of funny, really, lot of old memories I hadn't thought about in a long time."

"Interesting way to reminisce," she remarked finally. "And it can't have been a terribly exciting conversation, what with you still being here in the flesh."

He smirked at her slightly teasing tone. "True. They were all boasting about how close they'd come, and here I am talking to the woman who _did_ kill me." He noticed the knuckles of one of her hands turn white around the marble top of the sink counter and realized he had to make it clear he'd said it in jest. So he stepped right up to the counter in front of her, her legs almost automatically tightening but not quite wrapping around his waist, and dropped one hand to her knee. "Maybe you should be giving pointers."

She was much more comfortable now, and so pretended to consider the suggestion for a moment, her head tilting to the side in thought rather adorably and causing her hair to cascade over one shoulder in wild, golden ringlets. Her lips, which had puckered in a slight pout, stretched out into a mischievous grin as she shook her head. "No, I don't think so. They certainly haven't earned my help; _almost_ isn't good enough." Her arms snaked around his neck and she leaned in almost unbearably close. "I'm the only one, Doctor, who's ever _really_ gotten you."

"Yes you are," he murmured against her lips before finally letting his crash against them. The hand on her knee crept up her thigh to her hip, the other unerringly finding that unbelievable hair he couldn't get enough of. Her legs were now definitely wrapped around his waist, quite literally locking him in place, and the manicured nails of one hand ran delightfully through his hair while the other hand was exploring somewhere under his jacket.

They broke apart with identical gasps for air, and the Doctor's head dropped to her shoulder, leaving him staring at the rather delicious curve of her neck.

"Doctor…" River practically purred after a moment, her head resting back against the wall-to-wall mirror of the bathroom. Her eyes, however clouded over, had caught sight of a door to his left, which they hadn't entered through. "This is the en suite, isn't it?"

He stopped only briefly in his quest to map with his lips the trail from her jaw to her collarbone. "Yes. Why?"

"Oh, nothing," she sighed as her legs tightened just that little bit more and she scooted just that little bit closer to him while her nails raked through his hair once again, drawing a muffled groan. "But have I got you."

**And that's it. Incredibly random, no? And when starting out, I hadn't even planned that last bit with the Doctor and River, they just wouldn't stop. Incorrigible, those two.**

**So this probably makes more sense if you've seen the Batman episode that inspired this, but basically it's just a bunch of villains gathering to discuss their closest attempt on the hero's life. Why did I pick the ones I did? Well, firstly I wanted individual villains that had unique personalities, which is why there were no Daleks or Cybermen, for example. I know I referred to one as 'the Sontaran' for most of the fic, but that was to hide the fact that it was really Strax.**

**Now I'm sure a lot of you are asking: why did I use Delgado's Master as opposed to Simm's Master? There were a number of reasons. For one, I wanted to use five villains from five different Doctors. I already had Satan/the Devil/the weird thing in "The Impossible Planet" for Ten, and Delgado's Master is the only other one I've seen. And really, can you picture Simm's Master sitting down to play cards/have drinks/share stories with a bunch of other villains? He'd sooner kill them all. Delgado's Master would be polite enough to wait a couple hours before poisoning their drinks or something. Plus the idea of him dealing out cards and sitting down with some of these guys was too good to pass up.**

**The Monk was one of the more individual characters from One's era, which is how he ended up in this story, and because I think the Monk deserves more love for being the first Time Lord in the show after the Doctor and Susan, even if he's never referred to as a Time Lord.**

**As for Satan/whatever he was? Eh, I just really wanted the quip about Toby in there. For a being who supposedly doesn't believe in such things, the Doctor does like to bring up the fact that he 'beat the Devil' a lot. I figure it's really just for bragging.**

**Madame Kovarian randomly kidnapping River was inspired by the original Batman episode as well, but unlike the Caped Crusader's damsel/love interest, River didn't exactly stick around to be rescued. It seemed more appropriate that way.**

**Anyway, some housekeeping. Scenes and dialogue were taken from the episodes "The Daleks' Master-Plan", "Frontier in Space", "The Satan Pit", and "Let's Kill Hitler". I own neither Batman: the Animated Series or Doctor Who, I was just toying with a fun idea. I hope you enjoyed it, and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and please review!**


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